Love my body, love my daughter.
The other day I was trying on a pair of slacks, and they just didn’t fit. I tried on another pair of pants. Those didn’t fit either. I’m wearing jeans of the same size, but they do fit. The difference in all of them is the cut and allowing for a round bottom. I found myself venting to my husband the other night, realizing that my thighs now have some curve to them and my butt is rounder, but my old hip hugger jeans don’t have room for round butts. Nor do my old low rise slacks.
I finally concluded, “I need to buy some new pants and accept my bigger butt.”
He calmly and wistfully volunteered, “It’s sad, but I miss your small butt. It’s what attracted me to you in the first place.”
Yeah. Let that sink in. As I was letting his words and sincere tone of confiding his true opinion sink in that moment, I realized I had a choice. I could feel the pain that was trying to stab me in the middle of my deepest insecurity or recognize that he was just telling me the truth. Can you guess what I did with my rational mind and emotions starting to run? I cried. Yes, I knew better than to take it personally, but I left the room and cried into my pillow. I do not have the butt, that my husband fell in love with.
The truth is I haven’t had it for a long, long time. Two pregnancies will do that to some women. After my first pregnancy, I had like no butt at all. It was just flat. When I had my second baby and my thighs widened. For the past year, I’ve been exercising regularly and eating well, but have a round, curvy butt and thighs. In reality, I look perfectly normal. But, I am not the same as I was when my husband and I got married.
I didn’t think this would bother me so much, but it did, and I finally realized why: I don’t love my body.
My body feels broken. There are parts with varicose veins, cellulite and stretch marks. I can look at my kids and say it is a miracle my body can do this. And it is, but it still doesn’t make me love my body.
The painful part of all of this is that it’s up to me to change my attitude. I have to fall in love with a body that is not the same when I felt beautiful for the first time at 17. I need to do this for myself, and for my daughter.
At 4-years -ld, she is starting to ask about what makes a woman pretty. When I was going out on a date with my husband, she told me I should wear shoes “with those pointy things on the bottom that make you taller.” I don’t usually wear high heels, but do have a few pairs in my closet. So, I realize the powerful role I get to play in showing and teaching my daughter how to love herself. How to feel beautiful no matter what people say about her shape.
The truth is that as a woman, our shape changes through the chapters in life. It’s up to us to be beautiful no matter what shape we are, from the inside out.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
This is fascinating, and eye opening, to read, because I have always admired your body! I hope that doesn’t sound creepy. I think you look healthy and slender and have a shape I envy. Of course, I totally understand how hard it is when our body doesn’t look the way it used to, a way we really liked. Not sure what your exercise routine is, but are you lifting weights?
Ha! That’s funny in a way, because I guess as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder or something. I think for me, I’ve never really loved my body because it’s always been kinda boyish. Then, now that I suddenly have curves and an extra 10lbs., I find it unsettling. I never gained weight before unless while pregnant. Since I’m not, it’s shaking my world.
Anyway, thank you for letting me know what you think:) I am not lifting weights, but used to in my Community College days to keep my weight up (I had a hard time getting past 115). I do Zumba twice a week and walk and stretch (yoga style) at home…I guess Zumba could make my butt and thighs thicker with muscle, but I am thinking hormones and age are shifting things too.
It’s challenging because I cannot pin point when things started to change since I don’t weigh myself regularly. All I have are clothes to measure myself by!
p.s. You’re pretty – I admire your running and think you look totally fit and trim.
I remember after my first child was born looking at my body and thinking well, I don’t have to try to look like a teenager anymore. It was like I was allowing myself to be the age I actually was finally. My husband is dismayed that I don’t wear skirts anymore, but it’s not that my style has changed, more that I’m less likely to compromise and wear things that aren’t so much “me” because they’re pretty or feminine. I personally am so much happier with the way I look because I’m more comfortable in my skin. And that’s why I never wish I was a teenager again, or a 20 something, because of the insecurtiy and dishonety of it.
I love your comment about getting ready for a date, you are right, we really are teaching our kids without realizing it.
Beautiful, Gisele.
Sounds like you had a very healthy transition – I am trying to love the skin I am in and appreciate the shape of a woman. I have an Aunt who actually said, “You had a baby and now look at you! You are a woman now.” The same Aunt, at some point in my early 20′s said, “You need some curves. Just wait, you’ll have a baby and fill out.”
And, I did have a boyish figure. That’s probably why the change feels so odd, now I have curves and they aren’t going away!